Honesty Is the Best Policy:

It occurred to me recently that in order to get what you want, you have to ask for it. Getting what you want doesn't happen by sitting on your couch and waiting for "it" to blow through your back door and land on your lap like a tiny leaf separated from a bigger branch. Getting what you want means being honest with yourself, it means admitting that you are not going to settle for less.

I used to think that if I was a good person who worked hard and abided by the social contract, that good things would happen. Good things would rain from the sky like, well, like rain. And every so often some of those beads of rain would land on my shirt and I would catch them and think to myself "wow a really good thing just happened to me because I'm a good person." But that's not the case, in this world where everything moves so fast those rain drops can't catch up with you, they'll flutter to the ground next to you unless you stand up and force yourself into the storm.

There is something about getting older that makes you want to stand up for yourself. Lately I've had this overwhelming desire to do good things for myself, to make good things happen to me. I will never get a six pack by wishing really nice thoughts about the person next to me at the gym. I'll never fly to Paris if I keep lusting after imaginary flights. Sometimes, you have to make things happen.

From now on I'm going to make a real conscious effort to be more honest with myself about I want out of life, relationships, family....

Let's be honest it would be a whole heck of a lot easier if I could organize my life while lounging in bed reading Fifty Shades of Grey but that's just not going to happen.

Happy Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day today, I'm not going to get emotional, I'm going to get factual.

Tonight I bought my sister a birthday gift, ate dinner, scarfed down a few more girl scout cookies, watched Glee, drank a few glasses of wine, finished my Business Law paper.

Later I'll probably stalk my OkCupid.com profile and see what's good out there in the dating world.

I want to be a flight attendant:

It's funny the things you'll admit on the internet. Things I won't even admit to my friends or family I'll openly discuss on here. I don't even know who reads this. Hello out there. Do random people stumble across this online just as I stumble upon theirs? I like reading blogs of women who live in big cities and post pictures of themselves in great clothing. Those are my favorite. I guess the only reason you divulge personal information on such an impersonal stage is because you hope somebody you know will read it and quietly file the information away and continue to know you, all the while knowing this one extra bit of information. You hope that this person somehow has some new insight into your personal life, some new understanding of why you are the way you are and that they will silently acknowledge this information and appreciate you all the more. But maybe that's just me.

I opened up a bottle of wine tonight. I wanted to drink the whole thing but I stopped at one glass.

They say you should write your feelings down to stave off depression. Well I've been doing this my whole life. My first journal was a story about a mouse. I wanted to be a writer. I have journals and journals full of thoughts and yet I feel the same.

I worry that every time I transpose the letters "a" and "i" in the word "said" that I am dyslexic.

I worry that my grandparents will die and it will send me over the edge and I will fall into a deeper sadness--and I won't be able to come back out. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge sometimes.

I want to be a flight attendant.

A Dangerous Method

Is it sad or liberating to go to the movies by yourself? I used to think liberating. I used to think it was nice to sit in a dark theater surrounded by strangers. You can enjoy the movie or you can hate it, and it doesn't matter. You don't need to please anybody else. I thought I would feel the same way, liberated tonight. I thought I would take myself on a date because there is nobody else to do it.

But tonight I felt sad. I felt lonely and I was somehow instantly self-conscious of how pathetic I must have looked. One ticket. One drink. One seat. I usually try to brush away feeling lonely but tonight I was reminded of how desperately I wish I had somebody to go to the movies with.

It was a movie about a crazy woman and it made me feel a little crazy watching it.

Something about watching psycho-analysis on screen made me start to question myself. I realize I'm afraid of letting anybody get too close to me. I'm afraid of letting anybody in. I used to be like this, when I was younger. When I was younger I thought of boys as this blank space in my life, they didn't want anything to do with me and I slowly learned that relationships were off limits. I was scared to feel anything for anybody because I knew they would not return those feelings. I kept to myself and I pretended that I never even gave a thought to the opposite sex. Until I turned 18, after that me and boys, we started to mingle. I liked them and some of them liked me. But all of them didn't like me enough to stay very long; every person I've ever felt anything for dumped me. Every once and a while I put myself out there but the thing about rejection is that it hurts, every time.

So now I just go to the movies by myself, I feel like that same 16-year-old ugly duckling again, I feel too scared to even think about the possibility of dating. I don't even remember what it's like to be in a relationship, relationships are off limits again. It's such a pickle.

Do you ever?

Do you ever have those weeks where you are so supremely lazy that it takes all of your effort to put clean sheets on the bed or to download "Marshmallow World" by Dean Martin onto your iTunes?

I have however finished 75% of my Christmas shopping so yay for stimulating the economy!

Made a stew this weekend, finished some statistics homework, and called in sick to work (not actually sick). Sometimes I wonder when I will turn into an actual adult.

Lesson Learned:

Lesson Learned: Just because my cat is cute doesn't mean she should eat 9 treats vs. 1. Cat barf all over my bed.

29 Days to 25:

Dear World,

In about on month I will turn 25. So, I guess this means I should be having an actual quarter-life-crisis. I remember last year, writing about turning another year older and not really feeling any different at all. Same apartment. Same job. Same cat. I keep measuring my life in the steps that I take--what kind of raise did I get, how far along am I in my masters, how many new dates have I been on? I keep thinking that once I accomplish this or that I will feel fulfilled, I will feel like an adult. The thing is, these steps are not all-telling. It's not as if once I arrive in New York City, a newbie ready to call those dirty streets home, I will immediately keel over and die a blissful death. Life does not stop because you get part of what you've always wanted, life does not stop when you get all you ever wanted, life keeps going. 25 will come whether I will it to or not. The important thing is not to get caught up in the steps, good things will happen as bad things invariably happen too. Eat some cheese, drink some wine. Enjoy what is in front of you, stay excited for what's to come.