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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

On Anxiety:

Growing up I always loved the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's (and still do). Audrey Hepburn is the epitome of class and sophistication and she has such a lovely nature. But more than that I found it comforting when her character talked about getting "the mean reds." The mean reds sounded like some far off sadness that you just couldn't put your finger on. Like something that swept over you every once and a while for no real reason at all. I thought I had the mean reds too. When I was younger the mean reds manifested as some sort of angst or restlessness and into my early 20's they felt like tiny bouts of depression. But I'm learning as of recently that what I always thought of as some mysterious gloominess that hung around every so often is not really sadness at all but more likely a bit of anxiety. It sounds strange but I'm happy to be discovering this because it feels tangible, like something I can work on. I think it will be important to work on letting perfection go, letting my worrisome nature subside. For some reason I carry a strong sense of obligation to others and I would like to work on managing my expectations and my obligations.

Oh Audrey!

Thursday, April 25, 2013


I have not written in here in sometime. I was on a streak of overloading this poor blog with with weepy, womanly feelings but lately I feel very protective of my emotions. Like I want to keep them inside of a little nest, bound together with old bits of twine, held tightly together deep under my sternum. Not because I don't feel feelings anymore, but because for some reason I want to keep what is mine, mine. Just for now. Probably in a few months I will resume pithy dribble. Back to regularly scheduled programming.

Ok there is one thing that is mine but that is so nice it should also be shared with the world, maybe. That thing is love. And it's warm and gooey, like diving into a bowl of your grandma's best macaroni and cheese and eating your way back out again. It makes you feel content and satisfied and happy and small. Like you would do anything for your love. Like you would struggle a little in the beginning because in the end it will be worth it. It's definitely worth it.

Just watchin' some 3D flick about dinosaurs...Jurassic Park!

Thursday, April 4, 2013