Pizza Rolls:

The following is something I found from my old online journal from my senior year of high school. Read, enjoy, criticize, whatever.

After the stifling car ride home with the windows cracked and the AC blaring, I unlocked my front door and stepped inside. Normally I hunt around for food for a good ten minutes before I discover some mediocre meal to satisfy my hunger pangs. Today I expected nothing more. However, as soon as I opened the refrigerator door, my eyes flew wide with excitement. This little girl was not going to be chomping down on saltines and water. What delicious treat could be awaiting my taste buds? Nothing other than Pizza Rolls. I tore at that box and slammed those puppies in the microwave. Anticipating only the finest of culinary flavors, I stewed in front of the microwave for 2 solid minutes.

As soon as I heard the familiar "beeeeep" of the timer, I ran to the couch with my heated treasure and settled in for a nice half hour of Ryan Reynolds on "Two Guys and a Girl." ABC Family never disappoints.

No sooner did I popped that first scorching little devil into my mouth, my entire upper torso was on fire. My eyes began to slowly melt from their eye sockets and flood my plate like two runny, undercooked eggs. Sunny side up. Simultaneously, as if some God from above had suspended time, that brick red pizza juice squirted from the side of the deep fried pillow and onto my soft blue blouse.

This is where my sheer lack of will to do anything remotely productive comes into play. I looked down at my shirt, I looked around the couch. I searched for hidden stains not yet discovered by my scrambled eyes, sunny side up. I found no other traces of my lunch anywhere besides inside my mouth and on my shirt. With this in mind, I continued to consume every last crumb, killing each pizza roll as I dropped it in my mouth like a cat dangling a mouse just above his pucker.

And without even skipping a beat, I went about my afternoon without even attempting to erase the stain on my shirt. This is whence I realized "Jessica, you are quite possibly the laziest human being to ever walk the face of this earth!"

This is also when I realized I love pizza rolls so much that I would rather make myself another batch than clean up my blouse.

I'm leaving now to cook another plate full.