I want to be a flight attendant:

It's funny the things you'll admit on the internet. Things I won't even admit to my friends or family I'll openly discuss on here. I don't even know who reads this. Hello out there. Do random people stumble across this online just as I stumble upon theirs? I like reading blogs of women who live in big cities and post pictures of themselves in great clothing. Those are my favorite. I guess the only reason you divulge personal information on such an impersonal stage is because you hope somebody you know will read it and quietly file the information away and continue to know you, all the while knowing this one extra bit of information. You hope that this person somehow has some new insight into your personal life, some new understanding of why you are the way you are and that they will silently acknowledge this information and appreciate you all the more. But maybe that's just me.

I opened up a bottle of wine tonight. I wanted to drink the whole thing but I stopped at one glass.

They say you should write your feelings down to stave off depression. Well I've been doing this my whole life. My first journal was a story about a mouse. I wanted to be a writer. I have journals and journals full of thoughts and yet I feel the same.

I worry that every time I transpose the letters "a" and "i" in the word "said" that I am dyslexic.

I worry that my grandparents will die and it will send me over the edge and I will fall into a deeper sadness--and I won't be able to come back out. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge sometimes.

I want to be a flight attendant.

A Dangerous Method

Is it sad or liberating to go to the movies by yourself? I used to think liberating. I used to think it was nice to sit in a dark theater surrounded by strangers. You can enjoy the movie or you can hate it, and it doesn't matter. You don't need to please anybody else. I thought I would feel the same way, liberated tonight. I thought I would take myself on a date because there is nobody else to do it.

But tonight I felt sad. I felt lonely and I was somehow instantly self-conscious of how pathetic I must have looked. One ticket. One drink. One seat. I usually try to brush away feeling lonely but tonight I was reminded of how desperately I wish I had somebody to go to the movies with.

It was a movie about a crazy woman and it made me feel a little crazy watching it.

Something about watching psycho-analysis on screen made me start to question myself. I realize I'm afraid of letting anybody get too close to me. I'm afraid of letting anybody in. I used to be like this, when I was younger. When I was younger I thought of boys as this blank space in my life, they didn't want anything to do with me and I slowly learned that relationships were off limits. I was scared to feel anything for anybody because I knew they would not return those feelings. I kept to myself and I pretended that I never even gave a thought to the opposite sex. Until I turned 18, after that me and boys, we started to mingle. I liked them and some of them liked me. But all of them didn't like me enough to stay very long; every person I've ever felt anything for dumped me. Every once and a while I put myself out there but the thing about rejection is that it hurts, every time.

So now I just go to the movies by myself, I feel like that same 16-year-old ugly duckling again, I feel too scared to even think about the possibility of dating. I don't even remember what it's like to be in a relationship, relationships are off limits again. It's such a pickle.