A Dangerous Method

Is it sad or liberating to go to the movies by yourself? I used to think liberating. I used to think it was nice to sit in a dark theater surrounded by strangers. You can enjoy the movie or you can hate it, and it doesn't matter. You don't need to please anybody else. I thought I would feel the same way, liberated tonight. I thought I would take myself on a date because there is nobody else to do it.

But tonight I felt sad. I felt lonely and I was somehow instantly self-conscious of how pathetic I must have looked. One ticket. One drink. One seat. I usually try to brush away feeling lonely but tonight I was reminded of how desperately I wish I had somebody to go to the movies with.

It was a movie about a crazy woman and it made me feel a little crazy watching it.

Something about watching psycho-analysis on screen made me start to question myself. I realize I'm afraid of letting anybody get too close to me. I'm afraid of letting anybody in. I used to be like this, when I was younger. When I was younger I thought of boys as this blank space in my life, they didn't want anything to do with me and I slowly learned that relationships were off limits. I was scared to feel anything for anybody because I knew they would not return those feelings. I kept to myself and I pretended that I never even gave a thought to the opposite sex. Until I turned 18, after that me and boys, we started to mingle. I liked them and some of them liked me. But all of them didn't like me enough to stay very long; every person I've ever felt anything for dumped me. Every once and a while I put myself out there but the thing about rejection is that it hurts, every time.

So now I just go to the movies by myself, I feel like that same 16-year-old ugly duckling again, I feel too scared to even think about the possibility of dating. I don't even remember what it's like to be in a relationship, relationships are off limits again. It's such a pickle.